I've been thinking recently about the coaching our children receive for various pursuits, whether sporting, cultural, or of an entirely different category. While they are being coached, our children are being taught what to do both when things are going well and when things are not going as planned. They are taught how to recover their composure, how to adjust their approach and how to seek assistance from their teammates. They specifically rehearse for these different scenarios.

So why, I’ve been pondering, do we not explicitly coach our students for life’s (inevitable) challenging situations?

In my household, I’ve started practising this ‘coaching’ theory in the car (no eye contact is needed, and there's no escaping the awkward conversation!), and it is done through a series of ‘Hey, what if…?’ questions, hypothetical scenarios that I pose to my son and allow him to tell me how he thinks he might respond. I’ll give a few examples:

● “So what would happen if [insert name] showed you something inappropriate on their phone?”

● “Hey, what would you do if one of your friends were being really unkind to someone?”

● “Hey, what if you got separated from us at the football game; what do you think you would do?”

● “Hey, what do you think you would do if someone tried to talk to you online but you don’t know them?”

My test model/son is only nine, so he’s pretty open to these conversations, and I’m hopeful that making them commonplace early will be helpful as we move forward into even more complex topics, such as alcohol, relationships and whatever else arises as we navigate our way through to adulthood. I allow him to think and give his answer, and then I offer some ideas around what he might be able to do if he’s unsure or doesn’t have a solid plan (I’ll admit that his plan is often flawed!).

The conversation always ends with some version of “you can tell me anything, there is nothing that you can tell me that will lead me to love you any less, and there is no problem we can’t work out together”. Now, let me remind you that he is nine, and we haven’t hit any major road bumps yet, so I’m not saying that I’ll be a model parent when these do arise, but I am hopeful that I will have done enough groundwork for him to trust me, and that he’ll have a toolkit of rehearsed responses to call upon if/when necessary.

Our children need certainty regarding our responses to various circumstances. What I’ve observed from working with teens for the last 20 years is that if they are left to imagine how the adults in their lives might respond to different scenarios, they will almost always catastrophise. Their brains automatically gravitate towards the worst-case scenario; yet if they already have an idea of the response they can expect, they are much more likely to confide in us and receive helpful advice, thereby strengthening their connection with us at the same time.

I hope everyone had a great festive break, and I encourage you to find time and space over the next few months to try out some ‘Hey, what would you do if…?' conversations!